i'm tired of sitting on the fence. by keeping quiet, it's as though i'm agreeing to it. but inside, only god knows what storm is raging. and i'm tired of making up excuses for you i mean come on... how much longer are you gonna take to finally mature? all these while i'm just keeping quiet cos i do prioritise your feelings and i still value our friendship. but tell me what friendship is there where it's only one sided? and i think it's rather dumb to be so concerned about you when you don't give a rat's fart about my feelings. i don't even know why i stick with you so long. it's not like i'm so desperate to gain some friends. but i made a commitment and a promise and unlike you, i do keep my promise okay.. to take care of you in your so fragile a state and when your mind is so disorganised. so here's my side of the story. and it's gonna be in white so you have a choice to read it or not.
i'm not surprised if after this you're not going to talk to me anymore. you and your kuncu-kuncu. but i really don't care anymore. and if firdaus told me i was being stupid that i'm fell for someone who evidently doesn't care about me. then this is a repetition of what's going on between us. all that i've done for you, you just don't seem to value it. i'm not looking for any kind of reward and i'm not expecting you to always be there for me. but a little gratitude, you mean to show you don't even have enough humanity in you to showcase your gratitude?
you know how un-subtle i can be. i won't mind telling you in your face how i feel about this matter. but this is my flaw. i can never live to hurt someone else. usually others' feelings have been my priority until even if i breakdown for a few nights in a row i still won't care about my condition that much.
and besides, even if i told you, it's not like you would listen. and all the while my excuse for you is that you're not in the right state of mind because of the problem you're facing. but that problem is stupid and it can be easily avoided. so i don't know what to else to say in your name against my better judgement. i mean, it just proves you're too wrapped up with yourself. and you don't really care what goes on around you. cos most of your life is just you and you and you. prove me wrong girl. prove me. and besides, i know you always come here to read my posts maybe to pick a fault against me so might as well read this post right?
ok, first things first. i don't want to be like you. who the hell wants to be like you? one of you is enough for ten thousand lifetimes. so what if i cut my hair?? i've always to since early sec 1. it's just that there hasn't been time or i was just too lazy. so i put it aside. cos unlike you, i'm not that vain. and my pouch, so? my wallet got torn. so obviously i need a new one. i found the pouch i'm using in my closet while cleaning it so i might as well use it than buying a new one. and don't you think i would wanna buy a nicer pouch that matches yours if i do ever wanna be like you? and you said i'm putting on your behaviour. that, i'm sorry ok. but don't you think that people will get a little influence when he/she hangs out with another person long enough? so you say i wanna be like you and you want me to change right? to be unlike you. fine by me. i never wanted to be like you in the first place. then what about others? you're gonna lie and say that there aren't others who are putting on a bit of your behaviour, your style? and i'm not restricting it to only girls. i mean even the dudes are using your words. apaever. apa-apalah and whatever else there is. so how can you blame me?
and you don't like the idea that i'm a bit more enthusiastic when y'all talk about guys. and if it still hasn't gone into your head. then you should know that i'm only doing it to fit in. sort of. you're like boy-expert or something and almost all your life, i don't know how many guys like you. and if guys are the only topic you can talk about apart from you and your guy problems (see? it's all back to guys again), then just for the sake of friendship, i have to lie and be a little more involve when you mention that topic. i seriously don't know why i bother trying. so if you're telling me to shut up about guys. then reflect a bit. and you shut your mouth about guys too. fair enough?
and you don't like me being more open and hyper. that is damn stupid. isn't me being more open means that i trust you more? i never knew that trust is such a bad thing. but if that's the case, then it's ok if you think i'm way below your feet that my trust isn't worthy. besides, i've fallen off my respect for you gradually since you came to me with your guy problems and when you're a little better, you go off and leave me alone. it's like i'm your tissue paper or something? when you need me you come to me and if not you dump me aside like some trash? and you proved to me you can't be trusted on important issues.
and when have i been 'snatching' guys from you? i admit i do talk a bit about guys, some of them your crushes, but it's my general impression about them. do you hear yourself talking? and how you go into explicit details about guys? hey i'm not as bad as you okay. talking about hypocrites. you're one of them. i don't mean to be harsh but that's the truth to me.
and just cos guys like you, doesn't mean you have to choose one of them. so what if guys like you? it's their damn business what their hearts tell them. yang kau nak perasan sangat apa hal? and if you like a guy, doesn't mean he has to return you the feelings you show him. learn to appreciate gratitude that he has shown you.
and you're so weak. he shakes you a bit. to you it's like the earthquake. start praying. no point you telling him to be good when you yourself is in a shit mess.
and stop being so materialistic. stop being so biased, one-sided, hypocritical, self-centered. stop thinking the world revolves around you.
i think i've said enough. and i'm not going to be surprised if after this you gonna show your true colours after reading this. if only other people know how y'all bitch. and you said you're sick about some people making up stories about you. then take a leaf out of your own book and stop bitching about people too. you can choose not to admit what i've said to be true. hell, it's your choice. i don't care. because knowing you, you usually turn a blind eye on your flaws. you acknowledge but you don't understand. you hear but you don't listen. so i hope you read and it goes in your head.
if i have been too harsh and too biased or basically if you think i'm not being fair. then tell me and prove me wrong about what i've said. if not, silent means consent. i'm not gonna apologise for saying what i said. and if you're gonna think more ill of me after reading this, then tell me. so i wouldn't waste money getting you a birthday present if you're not gonna appreciate it. and return me the book i borrowed from the library so that i can return it to the library tomorrow. that is if you can be trusted enough to do one simple thing.