the last 2 weeks have been really crazy. this week especially. ive always dislike suspense. it's like taking a deep breath before taking the plunge. i hate the anxiety, the thought whether that breath is sufficient for to make it through before we could have another breath.
we have 5 papers and 1 practical next week. so much for spread out. i'd already cried twice this week, first was on tuesday after rs. i didn't know really why i'd cried, it just came out i suppose. just to give me some relief. survival instinct, we'd always want to shelter ourselves. but yeah being stress sucks. thanks to hamizah, afiqah, anu and qiqi who were there to comfort me and to give me a hug and a pat on the shoulders. and the rest of the classmates who were present who didn't ask me what was wrong. silent moral support. that was really nice.
on friday i cried again, but it was pure anger. and then there was the stress as well. i should have better control. it's bad having spectators to your pain. it's bad having to have people see you at your most vulnerable point. no, not embarassing. everybody has their breaking point. i just don't like pity.

Flying without wings- Westlife

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
'Cause who's to know
Which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine

And it's like flying without wings
'Cause you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

my family misses anu. it's been almost 2 weeks since she'd gone. 2 weeks. i didn't even realise time just went by so fast. anu came into our lives about a month ago. and we took care of her for 2 weeks, before her mom decided to have her back. i miss her. i wish i had taken more photos of her. i still remember how she would cry just so that one of us would carry her and walk her around. and everytime someone slid his/her hands under her shoulders to lift her up, she would crane her neck up as if impatient for us to already carry her. and once we carried her, she would stop crying. she love to smile and laugh. she would giggle and then throw this big toothless grin, her two perfect dimples showing. and that little giggle, that little laugh. i doubt anybody can resist smiling back at her. and we all did crazy things just to please her. i spent goodness knows how long doing peek-a-boo just so she would laugh. and her dark brown eyes would glow. she's a happy baby. and i hope she'll grow up to be a happy kid. i remembered carrying her to the piano. she started squirming when i sat down, she didn't like being put down. i opened the piano cover, played a few keys. she got interested i suppose, and then she was leaning forward to press her fist on the keys. it was super cute. she was hitting the keys and smiling.

my mum had to return her to her mother on the 14th of february. i wasn't there to say goodbye, give her one last kiss and carry her one last time. i had already gone to school. i don't know when we can ever see her again. but i've a feeling that those 2 weeks are the only times we would have together. i just hope that wherever she is, or she would be, she'd always be happy and smiling and laughing.

i am so far back in my revision. i ought to kill myself. let's see my maths assignments are not done. but they aren't due anytime soon. i shouldn't be thinking of getting ahead in math when there's so many thing else i haven't catch up on. chem QA is this coming thurs. actually, it's not so bad. i just need to cramcramcram and rememberrememberremember all the details. so it's basically hardcore memorising. what else? i'm suppose to do a book review on ayat-ayat cinta. but after reading the book, i realy don't know what to write. i was crying my eyeballs out especially at the last third of the book. reading the book remind me so much of all the sins and mistakes that i've done. and i feel so small. so helpless. so dependent. i cried in my prayers. i chided myself for letting myself drift futher and further away from Him. I felt embarassed i wasn't as particular about my prayers as i should have. i felt stupid for not giving my 200% concentration when i pray and instead, think of stuff like maths. i cried for not able to be a better sister and daughter and friend. and i just prayed in the end, i can be a better person, and maybe others can find a better friend than me.
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saturday was a bitter sweet day for me.
it was vday. didn't bother me at all. fatihah gave me a ferrero rocher. omg. thanks so much. i was super hungry cos yearmates didn't buy lunch, the school wasn't selling any halal food. so i ate plain biscuits that sally gave me. and then fatihah came with a ferrero rocher. haha
FDC'09 totally rocks. we were great. i really really think we were great. honestly, yearmates and i were worried and all about our standard, our drill. we were frustrated. what more can we say? how much more can we scold? it's not nice to scold. we don't want to. but it's for the better. it's like drinking what, really strong cough medicine? or cod liver-oil? it's really unpleasant, but for the better. and spirit went down the drain at the wrong time, 2 weeks before comp. juniors were dead, we were disheartened by it.
but on saturday morning, when i came to school, juniors were practicing. and i saw 90 degrees hentak and super nice arm swings. i felt so proud. i felt so happy. because there was that chance where we can walk away smiling, no matter what the positions turn out to be, because we gave in our all.
inside the room was mona, lishan and charlotte. khaing zin came in later. and then jiun came. she cried. and i can't not cry when someone cries. i try to tell her that she had to pull it together cos even if her voice is gone, and she can't command, she was out focal point. we'd crumble if she did. but words stuck, khaing zin was there better for her than i was. but she said what i thought. so i was compensated.
we came out. then gave the juniors banana. i wish they can be more responsive. it's like talking to a wall.
and then the sec threes were crying. i hope they realise by now that spirit is what matters. it's not about what we get, it's what we make of what we get. and despite the downfalls, we turn it to make it our strength.
then we change and pack. everything was really hectic. love sally and huan ying so much for helping out.
got on the bus.
reached the school.
omg the nervousness was really killing me. i couldn't stop bouncing or shaking my hands or taping my feet. i had to move. charlotte was getting the jittery from watching me shake. we were number 34. so the wait was long.
first round came.
i made a mistake :/ an obvious one :///
then it was results time. we held hands. i was gripping lishan's and sandra's so hard. and then the emcee announced. we got first-runners up for south zone. woosh..came out my breath. i didn't realise i was holding it. and then i cried a little. but it was joy all around. we were all smiling. then came the results for the top 12 that would get into the finals. we got into the second round.
we were squad c.
we had lunch, i had the biscuits, and then ferrero rocher :D
then it was into the classroom. final practices.
we got called out. omg... waited for the first school to finish.
waited for the second school to finish, at the entrace of the ground where we're suppose to perform our fancy drill.
entered the ground.
i wasn't so nervous as before.
i don't think any of us were.
we were focused.
and i could feel it. the spirit.
finally.
the music start.
and we did our best.
when the results came out and we got first runners up, i didn't feel disappointed. somehow i kind of expected it. i felt that our squad did our best. there was no regrets. at least for me and yearmates. there wasn't any. yearmates felt at peace. there wasn't 'if i had looked up more' etc. we didn't owe ourselves anything. we gave everything. months of effort, none of it was wasted. if we didn't get champs, it wasn't because we weren't good.

it wasn't like the other school was better so we needn't have put in so much effort cos we would've lost anyway. no, we won. we put in our best, our bestest. and let the judges decide. whatever the outcome, we didn't lose our dignity, pride, and our spirit. RGSRCY can live on.

so congratulations to RGSRCY FDC'09. we didn't let ourselves down.

and congratulations to Cedar for being the champion for NFC 2009.