i'm tired of being tired. sighss...
got back my results. humanities + eng + maths are good by my standards. physics is so-so. and i just passed bio and chem. i told myself i won't regret my last EYA. just do my best. i told myself that. somehow somewhere along the line something went wrong. this year ends really bad. part of it it's due to the circumstances like H1N1, so we couldn't have trainings and then i had to miss last training cos of ArtsFest. so it's just bullshit. i mean i love being in ArtsFest but Ohana is family and shit i hate to choose something over them. no, this is forced to. i almost couldn't go for POP chalet. i told mum the night before she was just like "No" but somehow she relented? she just sort of let me go. then on saturday morning, i called her and found out that we were supposed to go to my cousin's house. and i didn't know anything about it. i told her that we would end in the morning but it'll probably drag. and somehow she heard it as early morning. she planned to leave at 10.30. even if i leave chalet at 8, i can only reach home almost 10 and what the hell makes her thing that i can prepare by 10.30 to go to my cuz's place? i'll be freaking tired. i need 2 days to wear off saturday's prac. and i haven't had a good rest the whole week cos i had to prepare for options' assessment. i enjoy it but it's mentally tiring, and it's just arranging camera angles. tomorrow, during free block, i have to start editing the clips already. it's fun but why do all the things i enjoy doing taking a big toll on me? and how can i say that i don't wanna do them?? and what just pisses me off is her making plans without informing me. i mean shit if you wanna do things as a family then bloody well do it as a family. and what's with the attitude problem over the phone? i know i always get defensive around you, but you didn't have to mock my way of talking. you're my mum, i love you but please...
i'm supposed to finish my composition, about halfway through. i'll just leave it for tomorrow.
currently i'm sick. had fever last friday, after rehearsal suddenly i felt my body was really warm. when i got home, i bathed, didn't have appetite so i just drank milo and ate a few biscuits, then my temp shot really high. i felt i was burning. and i almost couldn't touch the floor cos it was so cold. i kept tearing. maybe it was also cos i was watching Hotel Rwanda. damn good show. all the while even today, i had this feeling like i wanted to vomit and i have this really bad stomachache that my mum just passes off as gas, like my stomach is bloated. i don't know what...?
i thought of going to the doctor tomorrow, get an mc, but then there's bills. which is ironic cos here i am using the comp. and if i get an mc, i can't do editing tmr and i need to go for rehearsals. i haven't memorise my lines. shit. somehow doing this artsfest is a way of making whatever wrong things right. or to salvage something, i don't know what. part of why this year is ending badly is an accumulation of all the previous years. the things i haven't done enough. like i hadn't contributed enough to rcy, perbayu. and not being committed enough in my studies. and if i can do one thing to the max, be satisfied. just one. perhaps my biggest regret is that i couldn't be a better senior. we laugh when mrs shirley tan said "pass the baton" but i don't even have a baton to pass. the whole of the month, i kept playing over and over again, the things i should've done. maybe i could've listen more to everybody, i should complain less. i don't know what i've done to help others, to impact others' life. i'm not trying to be a hero. i just want to be a good person. and doing the musical. leaving a fond memory for the crew, the audience, making them smile and laugh and cry and just catch a moment of life and share it with them and make a wonderful night to remember, will rectify a small portion of it.