I'm really going crazy. My mum asks "Why are you doing this?" and even I ask myself that. Always asking that question. But I keep on thinking why not? WHY NOT? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and it's always been something I want to do so why not? I guess it's something to do with being the last year in RG. I want to leave with a sackful of memories and experiences and good times and wonderful friends.
When I wanted to take up the modern jazz class last year, I thought why not? When I joined up FDC and ArtsFest and then cheerleading, why not? Sure it's crazy but I'm doing things that I love so, why not. I think my mum or anybody else should be happy for me because I have my own life that is outside of the books. They should be happy I'm living for something. I have a purpose. I have a focus.
My mum's only complaining now because she had no idea how my schedule was for semester 1. First there was FDC followed by ArtsFest. Then there was cheerleading and YMC CSP. and there was house stuff and CmPs took quite some time from after-school-hours. And I still crazily took third lang. And what about madrasah, piano class, tuition and giving tuition?? And my GPA for midyears was 3.33. That is the highest overall GPA EVER in my RG life. It may not compare much to those who got 3.5 or above but I managed all that, and with help of friends, produced good results. And right now, what I'm thinking is why can't I do that again?
By taking up the school musical, my semester 2 will be packed with (besides school): 3rd lang, cheerleading, modern jazz+ballet+helping out with other stuff at kavanagh dance, madrasah, tuition, giving tuition, piano and the rehearsals. It's about the same as the first semester. And the second semester is a lot shorter.
Maybe I'll die doing all these but at least I'll die smiling.
I really want to be in the National Day parade (school). It will be another chance for me to wear the RCY uniform before we pass out. But rehearsals for that will clash with so many other stuff.
I'm really grateful to Madame Loan. Knowing that I can't make it for french remedials, she sent me extra homework etc through email. At least I know, I have help from her. She's encouraging me to go on because she knows that although I'm weak, I'm still trying to improve my french. I'm trying my best.
Always, throughout my life, I believed that process is what counts the most. If results do not turn up, too bad, I tried and did the best I could. I'll learn from my mistakes and I'll make it work next time. Although this has been a positive thing to bear in my mind, I guess it made me a little too complacent. If my results suck, I tried and I did my best. But looking back, was that really my best? Is my capability that much? Why am I underestimating myself?
I guess stress is a good thing. At least for me, it is. With the sudden change in my schedule, I know a lot better now what is important, what should be prioritised and when it should be prioritised. Sure, by committing to this musical I might lose out in other areas. Kavanagh dance might retract their scholarship. I might suck more at piano because I'll have even less time to practice.
But this time, I really wanna make it right. It's not just about thinking that I've given my all, reassuring myself that I have done just that, but actually really making it work. And this time, I'll make it work. I'll pull off the musical. I can always take jazz and piano exams next year. If I lose the dance scholarship, it's ok. I can get a part time job next year for the fees or something. I'll get my french results up and I'll sit for the DELF exam in Nov. I'll make it.
Right now, everything might just seem too much and that I'm way over confident with myself. But then again, if I don't start off really optimistic, I'd lose my engine a lot faster. Make it or break it. Right now, I just choose to go for it. Try my best. If I really can't cope, well, I'll do something about it. I'll find a solution. I'll find a way.
I just hope that I'll have my family and friends' support throughout the entire way. And if I'm sidetracking in anyway, if I'm losing focus or I become a bad bitch with attitude problem etc, please please bring me right back to earth even if you have to literally slap my head off.