that's it. french controle over at last and time to focus on my other subjects. but like now im not in the mood to study. it's my night off after dragging and rolling in french ytd and this morn to aftnoon. but mum's pissed cos i watched tv for 45 min which she claimed that it's 1 hr. wth.. then she said there's no pt in me nt gg raya cos i won't study and end up watching tv. wth. i nv said i didnt wanna go raya. i just said i wan it to be shortened. at least for me, they can continue if they want. they shld since farhan is joining us. my god the way she just twisted my words.

im not panicking for exams so im worried.

anyway there's this movie i wanna watch it's called an american mall. funny name but oh well. there's one song i particularly like entitled 'clear'.

On my way, though I don't know where I'm going
On a road that's dark and long
On my way, but I'm fearful that I could be lost
That the path I have chosen might be wrong

When will it be clear that I made the right choice
When can I be sure that I know my own voice
I dream of a day when I'm free from doubt
Where fate winds out
And I overcome my fear
Clear

I don't know where to search for answers
In a world that is afraid
Will I find my strength
And discover who I really I am
Or retreat every time when I don't care

When will it be clear that I made the right choice
When can I be sure that I know my own voice
I dream of a day when I'm free from doubt
Where fate winds out
And I overcome my fear
Clear

I've been told that we learn from our mistakes
But I just don't know how many mistakes it takes
I'm trying so hard to let down my guard
Maybe right now, right here

Clear, that I made the right choice
Sure, that I know my own voice
This is the day when I'm free from doubt
Where fate winds out
And I overcome my fear
Clear

k i shall go slp now. so not in the sch mood.

i wanna have someone to talk to. but it seems like i can never find one. i dunno.. it may be that im the one who's too quiet that i dun talk my heart out to someone. but i haven't actually been able to find that someone to rly pour out to. i guess i dnt mind talking to some of my frens. but i doubt they'd be able to understand the extent of how i rly fl on certain matters n wont be able to say the things to settle my unrest mind. somehow wat i fl and think is like another universe from theirs. what i find important they dnt and vice versa. and tho i haf brothers, im sry but they aren't that significant a role right now. lyk they are there but they are not there. i miss talking to my elder bro but it's not the same now. my esteem of him has dropped and he's always too bz to sit and talk. if there's someone i wanna talk to it'd be my dad. he'd understand. our tempers are similar and yet unlike. but my mind i believe is mostly like his. and he would appreciate what i have to say and counsel me rightly. my mum, she's too straightforward. her mind does not accept abstract. im just sry that we can't be best frens like how some girls are with their mum. or maybe i read too many books.

I shall try to make this entry as short as possible because Im not even suppose to do this. Basically, Im depressed and the only thing that can cheer me up is the fact that I have a new brother, farhan. He's smart, sweet, sensitive, and very matured for his age. He's younger than Idris but I dare say he is more matured than Idris is. I have to get him something to fill his time here. If not he'd be bored to death.

Why I am depressed:

1) The fact that I still can't get over the fact that I missed POP chalet. Mum didn't let me go cos of puasa. She said by going, I'll be teaching myself the wrong thing. I still don't get her and Im not gonna attempt to understand her. I personally don't see what's wrong with it and it pains me more that she didn't even bother explaining to me what is so wrong. To me it's just one thing. She doesn't trust me enough to be able to choose the people I wanna be with. In other words she doesn't trust my yearmates and it rly hurts. Fun to my mum is as dangerous as cancer. She doesn't like me having too much fun. True, POP chalet is meant for fun. But the main reason i wanna go is cause i wanna give something back to the people that i love and will dearly miss for many time to come. and being i/c of it is suppose to ensure that i do get heavily involved in it. and so i'd be content that i have done my part. by not letting me go, she's taken my last opportunity to be closer to them and to express my unsaid gratitude to them. i guess that i just have to be happy that i did do my part with the presents. but i still shall not be that happy. everytime i see the picture of ohana and akaibatsu at the chalet, i just can't help thinking i shldve been there. too bad there's no way to turn back time.

2) I missed the afternoon when the ma'ams handed over the rooms. can't do anything abt it rly.had geog remedial.

3) I feel guilty that I didn't put in much effort in CSP but hopefully with access to me dad's laptop it shall be better.

4) The anxiety of term 4 is starting its effects on me. shant elaborate.

5) I'm still unhappy with the capsule notes. What i said was very very superficial. I guess i was very scared of their opinions should i go in depth of how i really feel. And now my greatest regret is the things i didn't say. I still remember how I hated them. I kept thinking 'So what if i drag? What can you do to me?' ap back then. but now i am jealous of my sec 1 self cos even if i hated them at sec 1, it wasn't too long aft that when my views began to change. and if i bcame a sec 1 agn i shall have much more time with them than the numbered days i have now.