so english lesson was nice... we learnt how to answer argumentative essays. i thought that it was going to be boring but it wasn't. yeah she went throught whatever tips there is but she actually applied the tips to several essay questions to let us see how it works. and argumentative essay questions are usually those questions about society or life or philosophical things. [we did a level questions] so we talked about some points we might use if we were to write those essays and since the stuff is all about those big concept things about society etc.etc. so we ended up discussing again abt those moral issues. things about the society and globalised issues which is just amazing. i like the teacher. she's just so patient with us even though we were dumbass on those general knowledge issues. that happens when you don't read newspapers.
lalala... campus superstar... jiayou zhengning.. erm.. did i spell it right? oops.. o.O anyways... jiayou.. raffles will be behind you. oh god.. that shawn guy is cute and i like his dress sense XD
i'm simply crapping things up to push down the previous post. i could just delete it but not acknowledging what happened will be very shameful of me but right now i just don't want to read it.
oh fcuk... things are so screwed up now. i hope history sa will turn out ok. i used only 1 page.. both sides but i saw others' scripts as the teacher was going aroung collecting the papers and they used 2 papers. how long can they write man... so i got nervous. and i seriously hope that history sa won't screw up like geog and bio. i failed bio main paper by 2 marks. i'm dead shit. and geog was very disappointing though i didn't fail. was hoping to get at least a 3.2 but it's like 2 point smthg...
and physics quiz was alright but being an idiot as i sometimes can be, i conviniently forgot to bring a ruler. and the teacher is going to measure the length of the arrows we were suppose to draw to make sure of its accuracy. and i estimated the length all the while. i used my ezlink card to draw the lines. fcuking smart.
let's see what else screwed up.. french test. oh shitz... i slept for 20 mins. but that didn't really affect. cos they always give too much time to answer the paper. and even if you have enough time or more, and if you can't understand what the fcuk they're asking for, nothing's going to help cos you just can't answer if you don't understand. so that's what happened. hardcore memorising of the grammar isn't going to help if at the end of the day, you can't understand 1/2 of the passage and some of the instructions. but i'm quite prepared to flunk french. i can't understand how i got a 2.8 last year. wait is 65% a gpa of 2.8? i don't know. whatever.
this all happens such convinient a time. when i decided to take triple science and geog, i failed my bio and flunk me geog. o la la... haiz... there's term 4 to catch up with things. and i guess i can tolerate ms r a little better now. i actually listen to her in class. and hope physics will be ok. urgh... maths... shall try to catch up.. i guess now it's ok. no more graphs and trigo for this term. yay... the depressing joy of it all. shall try to be optimistic no matter what happens.
GAHHH!!! i don't have anymore batteries for my mp3. it's been a few days but now it's really taking a toll on me. shall bug my dad for batteries. oh shit i still haven't gotten his present. bleargh.. oh and rs!!! urgh.... shitz
and we didn't play badminton. so i couldn't vent my frustration on the poor innocent clueless shuttlecock. so the frustration is still in me. and there's no music to lift this load for a moment.

it was neither our fault...
but it was still a mistake on my part...
i should have never been this weak...
but i just can't stop feeling this way...
and i can't help how it overwhelmes me...
drowning me whole...
and i'm just so sorry for the times we spent together...
for the things you did for me...
for the times you made me smile...
for the things i did for you...
for the times i made you smile...
for the t hings we shared...
for the things we had together...
and you didn't know but you hurt me...
it's not him but you...
and now i really should try to let you go...
i didn't mean for a lot of things to happen...
and i wish i hadn't met you...
and i wish i hadn't gotten to know you...
but wishing ain't gonna help anything...
just leave...
i'm too weak to run anymore...

happy birthday dad...
shall go shopping on sat or sun and get my dad his belated present.
reading my previous blog posts i realise how serious i sound.
and that is not good.
why the hell am i typing my post this way?
i don't know i don't care i just wanna let it go
i'm happy to have siti, firdaus, and feena to be there for me to listen to my problems.
sometimes i feel like a pain in the ass and i feel so guilty that they have to listen to my problems.
but i shall try to be there for them too.
and whoever else who needs a listening ear too.
lalala... french tests sucks...
can't believe i fell asleep during the test.
fcuking smart right... slept at almost 1 ytd.
might not b as late as some ppl but unlike sme ppl i can't go on like that for 3 whole weeks.
and mostly i'm up thinking abt things.
things.... haha.. my problems and her problems and her problems too..
shall look forward to tmrw.. gg out to play badminton where i shall have the pleasure of smashing the shuttlecock and letting it all out on that poor innocent shuttlecock.
then there's madrasah and tuition.
i find madrasah such a nuisance nowadays..
cos lessons are repeated over the years.
we dont really learn anything new.
and i have 2 more yrs to complete.
lucky my mum dnt want me to continue to belia.
shall look forward to english tuition.
and there's campus superstar so i shall watch [at home] and support our schmate..
cant be at sch cos my mum wont allow.
bleargh... im at the pt of being trashed again by my mum...
she told me she didn't trust me, not directly but whenever she's being sarcastic you can just tell what she really means so she might as well point blank say she dont trust me cos it just saves her breath from forming long sentences cos in the end she would still mean that she don't trust me, [wow...] and now that i keep on going out for one thing or another and disagreeing what she says, cos sometimes what she says is just point blank crap, maybe she'll tell me she's gonna disown me next time
my life is so 'great'

K.. this is so long time ago.. but my brother's school had this homestay programme where some indonesian students came over to singapore. and 2 of them slept over my place for two nights. it was fun. we talked a bit. and they are 16.
Then our class hosted 4 vietnamese students. they were really friendly ppl. we taught them the mambo and they taught us a vietnamese song but i can't remember the whole song tho it's only 4 lines.
so last sun... yeah had an outing. it didn't turned out the way i thought it would. it was meant to be so much fun and all. and we meant to surprise the guys by saying that siti won't b coming and then she would suddenly crash us in the middle of smthg and it was suppose to b a nice nice surprise. but the whole thing went wrong. we didn't even carried out the surprise plan cos fird's friend was coming. some dude i don't even know was coming and fird was the one who said he wanted it to be just the 4 of us. i didn't mind him coming but then the surprise plan had to be canceled cos it won't be nice that he wouldn't know what would be so great about the surprise. and siti and i initially planned to belanja fird and khai. oklah... fird kan bdae boy but then if we didn't belanja khai then it would be a bit weird cos it's like erm... it's like we're putting him aside. dunno if that makes sense. and in the end we end up treating all 3 of them. and we're totally forgot that it was a weekend so tix price will be higher. and fird's present was 40 bucks. we splurge like bloody hell a lot. and the thing is, all the treating was expected. it was quite pissifying and throughout the whole outing, it wasn't even like an outing. it was like girls and guys. the guys (being ungentlemanly) just walked on ahead of siti and i. bet they didn't even know we were quite pissed and purposely slacking behind and letting them walk on. i doubt they even care. in the end it was just watching movie, getting fird his present and done cos he had to leave to meet his parents for his birthday celebration or smthg. it wasn't a fun outing. the whole spoiler was that they didn't appreciate but expected the belanja-ing and everything. it's just not nice. i know it's once in a while to get to treat fird and the guys but at least they should be thankful and don't go expecting. unlike some ppl, siti and i are not filthy rich ppl. then went home with siti and khai. took train and alighted at city hall and then took bus with khai. saw alif from sleeq. love his blue jacket.
my mum got pissed w me cos she had to kluar to give me my piano stuff cos i didnt bring along my things and i know i wont be able to reach home on time to get my stuff and go out for piano lesson. so my mum had to meet me at causeway to give me my stuff. but i guess she was in a forgiving mood cos she actually got bubbletea for the family.
the monday we went to watch rugby, acsi against sa. it was the first rugby match i watched. i could follow up a bit i guess. mainly thanks to the acsi parents who were screaming throughout the whole game. suddenly they were like 'go tackle!' 'hit him hard!' 'push!' n suddenly...... 'FOUL!' like what the hell. thanks for the commentary but it would help without the extra shouting. enthusiasm is good but overdose is quite bad. and the funny thing is the dads came in their business shirts, with the collar and neatly ironed pants and those shiny black shoes. it's like so professional and them screaming is a bit out of proportion. and acsi won. they won by 3 pts. it wasn't that bad unlike when ri got trashed by them. it was quite sad that the sa players were so upset abt it. some were crying. saw jay and he looked really down. but they shld know they did a great job and being 2nd isn't a bad thing. then saw khai, hazly, omar and their friend who also went to the outing in the crowd. khai called me to tell me that he saw me. and he could tell it was feena next to me. i wonder how he knew it was us. he had to squint to see the bus no and on that day he was standing on the track while feena and i and lena were on the stands. it was pretty far. siti and diy sat at the front row. feena, lena and i were sitting somewhere in the middle. yeah so that's abt it.
then today had to go for a gallery at ri. it was pretty boring. it was just gg over to look and complete a ws. then aft had siti and feena wanted to eat at kfc so i just followed. and firdaus came along. then firdaus and i sent feena to her hme. firdaus took cab home. and i walked hme. saw fitri. i was like phew! that was close...
k that's abt it

english lesson :)

Had english class today. It was damn cool. We talked about Singapore culture and all sorts of topics came up. Stuff like elitism and prejudice and marginalization and all sorts of big things. It was quite diffficult to digest but it was still fun to talk about and i just realised the full shittiness of being stuck in rgs. We also analyzed some articles and from cross reference them and make some inferences and came up with topic discussions and theories. The theories might not necessarily be true but it's just what we think and also base on what we read from the articles given. And we also came to an agreement why Singapore is having a struggle to breed entreprenuers and inventors and innovators and those kind of stuff. We also came to the same mind on choosing what is safe and choosing what is right.
I'm quite tired right now. From madrasah i went straight to english class. Forget to bring some clothes to change into so i went there in my madrasah uniform. Then as i walk back to city hall mrt station after english class, i met some of the S.A. guys. Fird, Jay, Hazly, Izz and some of their friends. Fird said they were gonna watch fireworks. Haha... It's either central is their favourite hang out or they just love fireworks. It's such a conincidence that i met them and i'm meeting fird tmr. Haha.. gtg now to watch movie w my brothers and my dad.
Shall try to stay awake till 12 to sms fird happy birthday.
You left me and you blame me for the distance.
quote from bring it on all or nothing:
'you're just too much of a backstaber to have a friend'
something liddat

Recall

Friday
GOH training..
Angklung performance... that was damn nice. And sorry but I think the indonesians were a lot better. and the indon girl can sing really well. Shit. I left my activity card in class.
Rehearsal at BBECC.. Something about dancing for the prologue but then got moved to centrepiece and then the guys' dance was scrapped. What a wasted. We practised so much and it ends up as the guys not dancing. But they were going to do drama so I guess it's better to focus on one thing.
Saturday
8.30 at taman warisan.. had practice (over and over and over with countless changes of steps) until about 1.30. Saw the guys' drama. It was damn hilarious. Abang Mahathir is such a joker. and Khai pass as a gay. haha..
Bahas... Raffles won! Maju Raffles! But Akademik Temasik Maktab Rendah Temasik was also good but I guess could have been more fluent. Met Bob.
And then we went back to taman warisan. Practice until 9 or so. Met Hidayat and other ppl during prac. Balik ngan Khai and Hazly and Jay and Miza till City Hall. Guys went to esplanade and miza took the green line train. I took the red line train.
Sunday-Monday
Nothing much... School days... Go to school. Come home from school do homework...
Tuesday
Went to NUS Yusof Ishak House to meet Khai. Khai and Firdauz had dikir prac there. It was damn nice.. haha... had preview of their performance <3 dikir cos it's just cool. Settled the tickets with Khai and Abang Kamal (he has brown eyes... that's nice) and Kak Shamiah. Oh and Siti followed but end up sitting outside the room.. apalah... So siti and I took bus till Clementi MRT station then I took train home. Siti took bus. Khai teman Fird balik until SA then take bus home. Fird from SA took a different bus home.
Malam had conference call with Khai, Fird and Hazly. I kept quiet and laughed most of the time. Just let the guys talk and they practiced their drama over the phone.
Wednesday
Had to reach school by 6.50 but we reached at 7. Changed into costumes and put on light make up just to look old. Then the performance itself. Yeah... we won! The rest of the celebration was super boring until the singing part where our 2 campus superstars lead the school. Then... RAFFLES' CHEER!!!
Then went to Victoria Theatre Hall. We reached the bus stop at about 10.15. 4 190s went pass cos they were full so no one could board them. In the end we took a 105 to the next stop which was outside Far East and wait for a 190 to come cos some people might alight at Far East so there might be space to board even though it might be full when it passed the school. So in the end, we reached Victoria Theatre Hall at 11.30. met Khai and Fird at the statue of Stamford Raffles. Stupid... if the bus hadn't gave us problem, we could have reached there by 10.45 or so.. Then miza and I change into our costumes just to try out cos we hadn't seen the costumes before. Had prac and I finalised the percussion thingy for our dance with some abang. Had lunch with the guys. Then see the rest of the people i.e. the drama people and the competitors practiced. (I got so sleepy. I slept for a while in the seats. I was hugging Khai's costume (he took them off before going up onstage). The material was so lembut. So contrasting to our costume. It was like damn itchy in our costumes.) Miza went out to buy a tube cos our costume was quite low cut. At about 2pm, the rest of the girls came and we prac and prac until 5. The girls insisted on puting make up then. Miza and I were just like 'whatever y'all want lah...' cos the both of us are clueless in this make up and hair prep before the performance. It took bloody long just to do the hair lah.. in the end we took 3 hours for everyone to get ready. Since our part comes only in the middle of the performace, we could come down later. I helped by putting foundation and powder on Jay, powder and blush on Khai, powder on Omar and hidayat. So we missed the intro to the Pentas Budaya. When our part came, we did the dance. It went well. I couldn't see many people cos it was dark (except the stage) so it wasn't that scary. Then we just waited at backstage until the finale where we were supposed to excort the VIP which was Hawaizi Daipi up on stage and back to his seat. Oh and I saw the recording of Pentas Budaya. I didn't know they were recording it backstage. Saw the dikir people did their thing.
During the prac and the thing itself, people were having leg cramps. Khai had leg cramp. He couldn't walk properly onstage. Miza's ankle was like hurting again. Diy also had cramp (onstage and offstage). Fird stepped on my foot and I yanked my foot from under his foot and I accidently stretched my foot muscle (dunno the real name of the muscle part. it's just somewhere on the foot) which was like OW!!!. It was the part that got squashed under the badminton stand.
Then came the finale (it was so fast... i was like huh? finishing already?) and we excorted Hawaizi Daipi onstage where he gave out the awards to the winning teams and then we excorted him down again. And then it was done. Like that. It was quite heartbreaking cos after that we had to say our goodbyes.
Then the girls went off.. I stayed for the celebration after that. Had some food and cake. Took some pictures of the people. i didn't take any pictures of the girls cos there wasn't enough time. we were rushing to finish our hair and make up and after that had to rush to change out cos they were closing the dressing rooms.
Then went home with Hazly and Khai. Oh and I got flowers. A yellow one from this abang who also performed for dikir, a pink one from Siti (she look chio man..) and a blue one from Khai. Then Khai and I took taxi cos we missed the last bus. I feel so guilty. He planned to sent me straight to woodlands after he alighted at BP to get some money from his mum for the taxi fare. but i saw the 960 bus. so i alighted at bp and took 960 all the way to woodlands. i'm going to pay khai back for the taxi fare even though he asked me to forget about it. So i went home and showered. took 20 minutes to get the make up off tho i didn't have a make up remover. just washed my face countless of times. and then i slept.

I don't know how else to say this. I know I have a lot of flaws. I hate myself for those flaws and the shit thing is that I can't control myself. I guess this is the after effect of always keeping things to myself. I don't know what's the matter with me. There's not really a someone I can talk to. It's a sad thing but it's something that I have to come to terms with. Even if there's something that I need to talk about, there's no one I feel comfortable talking to. And if there is someone I wanna talk to, wanna talk with, well... that someone is always too busy to give a damn (yes.. you). And of course I have to shut up so as not to disturb that person (you). So, keeping things/feelings etc to myself kinda make me erm... isolated? I hate myself for having those breakdowns and times where i just blow my top. But you have to understand that i only blow when it comes to my breaking point. So please, don't label me as someone who's sensitive or emotionally unstable etc and whatever nonsense it is that you call me. So that's one flaw that I have. And if you don't like me for it, well i don't know what else to do/say. But if would really want to befriend me, you'll have to accept me as I am along with my flaws and mistakes, help me overcome them.
I know and I agree it was a mistake on my part. But you refusing to accept my apology, don't you think it was a bit too extreme? Please, cut some slack on me. It's not like you don't have your flaws. And talking about you, you have a goddamn a lot of flaws. So, if you can't accept me, can't forgive me well... I can't do anything. I don't want to force my company on someone who doesn't want me to be there. But I know I won't cry if you decide to leave because by now, I should be used to having been alone, having been left behind so many times that I'm so shit about it, having cried so many times and you still damn too clueless to know it's been you who made me cry.
And just so you know, there's a great difference in emo and thinking deep. I don't emo. I just think too much, worry too much. Quiet doesn't mean emo.
And just note that you are not that innocent either. I know you talk behind my back. I'm guilty of it too but I decided long time ago to stop caring whatever happens and get on with my life and studies.
So that's there. I shall assume that everything is bloody well even though my heart is tearing so loudly i can hear it. So, whenever and i repeat whenever anyone has a problem and needs someone to talk to, i'd be there to listen. I shall be the listening friend. It's the least thing I can do. Since there's no one to listen to me, I don't want another person to end up like me.

i'm such a worrytad

Rehearal yesterday was a bit wasted cos all of us were really there only at 7 and we prac only twice or so... and miza and I saw khai and fird practiced dikir with the abangs. it was cool. abang idil is in dikir too. no wonder the moves are all hip-hopish. abang idil is cool! haha.. he's such an awesome dancer. i kinda forgot he's a student there too. haha.. Miza and I got almost all their steps already. yeah us! we were attempting to do it in school but we forgot the front part. so it's almost got it right. :D Dikir is cool. <33 dikir cos it's just cool.
I just realised that khai and fird will be performing all 3 items. o.O tarian, dikir AND drama... what the shitz. i wanna do dikir too ya know.. ok ok whatever..
So I had a breakdown yesterday. :/ it just had to be in nus in front of them. Siti was telling me not to let it affect my dancing. Don't bring all my problems there. That was exactly my point when i hid in the toilet twice.
So to list all the things i worry about:
1) ________________________________
the root of the problem, where it all started out with.. haiz... then it got super complicated. it's a like a tree. once u've got the root it grows and branches out.
2) ________________________________
personal. house not home.
3) my health. funny cos stressing isn't healthy either.
4) school is killing us all..
5) my brothers... 1 has to go through an operation. i know it's supposedly not suppose to be serious but i hate seeing him in the hospital again. the last time he was hospitalised for almost a month, the doctors kept on drawing blood from him every 2 days. they poke the long needle through the back of his hand and he cried everytime. that was about 3 years ago.
and my other brother.. i'm worry about his well being. he's stressed with his commitments like soccer and all those leadership stuff. he's not doing so well in his studies and my mum is pressurising him. she's pressurising all 3 of us. come on dude.. make it to university. be an inspiration for me when i get to RJC like how u you inspired be to do well for PSLE so that i can get into anderson but i overshot and got into RGS. idiot.
and yeah... i know she's not me...
Next rehearsal is on friday. then saturday is the full dress. time flies. i wanna go back to admps next wednesday but i have a strong feeling they wanna have rehearsals again. not that i don't love going for rehearsals but i do have to go back to where i belong now and then.